serf and terf
by icclenomi
Summary: my attempt at humor. Much challenges Allan to a cooking competition. s2 spoilers


_Hehehe this has to be one of the strangest ficcies I've ever written... but what the hey?_

Hello folks, and welcome to Sherwood Forest. If you would like to take your seats we will start in a minute. But first of all- how are you? You all good? Good. I hope you're all ready for one heck of a show, this one looks like it'll be a pigeon and a half.

"oi- watch it with the half pigeons yeah?"

I'm sorry sir, I didn't mean to offend your... uh... Saracen life partner?

"She is my wife."

Once again, very sorry, sir. Alrighty- looks like it's time to bring out our contestants! Everybody give it up for Much! How are you feeling then Much?

"I am feeling good, confident."

Thats great, look I'll come back to have a proper chat with you once we've met our other contestant. Now everybody give a warm welcome to Allan a Dale!

"Alright?"

So, Allan, what do you think will be the outcome of today's show?

"I think, Much don't know whats comin' to 'im."

"please, Allan. There isn't a chance of you beating me today."

"Just you watch"

Ooh, looks like they're a bit competitive. Now, who challenged who today, and why?

"I can answer that one. Allan was complaining about my food, and I thought I'd let him try to do better."

"come off it, Much- you just dont like me-"

"You ran off to play with Gisborne, I don't have to like you."

ooooooooooohhh

Now now fellas, lets keep it civil. So what are the terms of today's battle?

"If I win, Allan doesn't get to complain about anything I do, ever."

Alright, and Allan? ... Allan, your terms?

"If I win you forget the whole thing with Gisborne."

"Not a chance."

"Come on, Much- if you're so confident you're going to win, wheres the harm anyway? I'm not askin' much, I just don't wanna-"

"Fine."

Alright. Now, here are the rules. You have anything that is in this forest, you have to catch prepare and serve your meals- which will be judged by a panel of ... expert judges.

"Expert? It's five squealing girls and Robin."

For the purposes of this show, they're experts. Now on your marks get set ... go! Whilst our contestants are planning _their meals I'm going to have a word with some of the friends of the contestants. Hello, sir, what's your name?_

"John."

John, who are you expecting to win today, John?

"I haven't a clue. Much has certainly been cooking for a while, but his food choices haven't been known to make the mouth water. I'm not sure about Allan. He's never cooked for us before, but he does look quite confident, so I'm not sure."

Thank you, John. Now over here who have I got here?

"I'm G...g..."

"Oi! It's Gisborne!"

Please relax everybody- this is a neutral show- let's keep it that way. Please continue Guy,

"Well. All I know is that last year whenever I felt like a nice meal, I would beat.. urm... I would request that Allan make me something to eat. And he can certainly produce a nice meal- but that was with the castle supplies I'm not sure what he can do with mere Forest takings."

Right.... okay.... Lets see what our contestants are up to shall we? Well, Much is back, and he's at his fire with what appears to be a couple of dead squirrels, Judges aren't looking too happy with that, but we'll see how things go. Well, he's skinning them with quite a good technique, those furs might make a nice hat if sewn together well enough. He's got a good flame length to his fire and ... oh he looks happy that Allan isn't back yet. Oh, speak of the devil- he's back and with... with a.. he's got a few birds. And whats this? In his pockets- he appears to have brought some fruits back with him also.

"Fruits, Allan? Please."

Much has his squirrels on their sticks, and Allan is now plucking the birds of their feathers. Where's much off to? Oh I see, he's after water. Allan has just finished plucking his birds, they're looking nice and fat.

"Don' worry Djaq- they ain't yours."

Now he's getting out his knife and, well.. those birds aren't going anywhere soon without their heads... oh, e's pulled out their insides... lovely, putting them in a bowl. Now hes... what on earth? He's putting the fruit inside the birds... now hes sewing up the birds and putting them on sticks... most peculiar. He appears to be finishing off... they're nicely roasting now. Allan, come here a minute, now tell me... what are you doing?

"Trust me- it'll be delicious. I gotta get some honey- I know there's some around 'ere... oi- Will!"

"Yeah?"

"Where;d you put the honey?"

"It's uh.. It's under my bed."

"Cheers."

I wonder what Allan is up to... He's looked at a load of feathers and has picked one out it seems, now what is he doing? He's just poured water over it- oh, he's cleaning it. I see. Oh, he's dipped the feather in the honey and is... he's painting the honey onto the birds and turning the birds all the time, it's beginning to smell very nice in this forest, the smell of the meats are just filling up my nostrils. Much has returned with water, Much, what did you bring the water for?

"Urm.. I was thirsty."

Alright, no little cooking tricks with it?

"No, a few more minutes and this should be ready."

Well, Much is nearly ready now- we've been cooking for a few hours now. How far is Allan?  
_  
"Nice."_

What's nice over here?

"Well, my birds are done, Now I just have to finish."

And how are your serving this meal then?

"Well, I'm goin' ter take all the fruit out- i'm goin ter cut it out and put in in this spare bowl, and I'm goin ter cut all th meat off these birds and put them onto the plates. Then I'm mixing the fruits- which are nice and gooey now- gorgeous, and mix them with some honey and use the mixture as a sauce."

I'll let you get on with that then. Here you have it, people. The judging is about to begin, we're going to serve the meals to the judges and they're going to discuss it with each other and let us know the result now while they're doing that- Much, Allan, come talk to me. How are you feeling?

"I'm feeling good. Although- I would have liked to heat up that sauce a little more, but I'm sure it'll be fine."

Much?

"The meat is thoroughly cooked- which I'm not sure Allan's is. And ... we shall see."

Have we got a verdict from the judges?

"Well, first off we'd like to thank both of you for taking part and cooking for us. The first meal, the squirrel, we found it to be, well cooked- but it was quite fiddly to eat, and squirrel is rather a tough meat. We gave it a rating of six out of ten."

Six out of ten, not bad.

"Not bad at all."

"The second meal, I'll admit we were sketchy, but the tastes just were amazing, the meat was nice and juicy, the sauce was wonderful, the texture... oh, you can cook for me anytime, son. Nine out of ten"

"what?!"

Well, it looks like we have a winner- Allan a Dale. Allan, anything to say?

"urm.. well- uh Cheers!"

Unfortunately folks we've run out of time today

"Completely ridiculous!"

That's for watching- safe journey home! 


End file.
